Skinny Fat

You know how there are those crazy people on the internet who look at perfect Kate Upton and call her fat. Well I'm a UK size 10 in most of the sane world that's perfectly average even quite thin for some yet I get called fat. I had a convo recently that really got to me and this is why I feel the need to talk about it. My super skinny (I don't say this as to be shaming skinny people but in this scenario, she sees her weight as ideal) friend and I were sharing a seat. When she to the bathroom, I suggested to her boyfriend (also skinny) that he give her his seat as I was feeling a little crapped. He said "I need the seat I have, you girls have cushion to sit on those hard seats and I don't" I replied "She is just like you she doesn't have any cushion"  (if you don't get the cushion reference, we mean ass).

When I was out of the room that message somehow got misconstrue to her and she took offence. She was sulking to him and then the most vindictive statement came from his lips "Well if she can tell you that you don't have an ass then you can tell her that she's fat." Yes all 120lbs of me is considered fat, in the eyes of friends and family. I didn't say anything at the time but I shriveled up on the inside, my near two months of gym and healthy eating was not being noticed and in that moment I felt like I shouldn't eat again...ever.

This could have very well been the start of a blog of how I got an eating disorder. I don't think people realize how there words hurt. I have pretty tough skin but after a while it gets to you. I took the liberty to write to down as fuel for my fitness goals but also to make me gain control over words people throw around recklesslessly. So here that's list:
1."Can we tell her that she's fat?
2. "You can't wear that!"
3. "Lose some weight around your waist"
4."You're so greedy"
5."You've gained some weight since I last saw you"
6. "Your boobs are too big"
I've probably said some worst things to myself but at the end of the day the only way to lose weight is to do the healthy way. I can't quicken the process, it didn't take me a month to gain and it's not going to take a month to lose. Don't let people's harmful words hinder your progress or make you ever feel less beautiful than you are. **
Queue John Legend You & I**

Holiday Fling Part Deux

We partied into the early morning. He would often pull me close and stare into my eyes. I felt like I was the only girl in the room. Sometimes he would pop off to have a smoke and I would dance with another guy who was within our group. He couldn't speak a word of English though so we just danced. When we returned to the hotel, he walked me to my room, kissed me on the cheek goodnight and said he would come to say goodbye to me the next morning as I would be leaving for home. He didn't show. I thought maybe he over slept so I messaged him that it was lovely to meet and I hope I see him in the future.

I arrived home a few hours later and his reply was very enthusiastic. He loved meeting me, had a great time last night and wish he could see me in the future. It all seemed to be moving so quickly, the more I was away from him the more I started thinking about him and less about my boyfriend. I became infatuated and wanted to know more about him. I remember he said he was going swimming with the dolphins so I asked how it was but he never replied. He messaged a few days later to tell me he was back home.

I guess this is where holiday mode fell off and real life set back in, his communication became less and less and I made a conscious effort not to message first in the hopes that he would talk to me first but a week past and nothing. I gave in, he said he was missing me but he was just very busy with his job. Then nothing again. I see him posting loads of events he's going to at home, he likes many of my facebook posts but we haven't talked in two to three weeks. I was confused at first but now I'm just rushing through this post because I left part one on such a cliff hanger. I don't have the same enthusiasm as I did when we first met and I think this serves as a lesson to any girl who is looking for advice that the really strong feelings you get when you're infatuated fade....even when you feel so overwhelmed by emotion and like the feeling will never go away. Don't talk for a few weeks and it fizzles out like a soda.

Holiday Fling?

He has a smile that lights up a room, a gaze that makes you feel vulnerable standing before him, his chiseled features means he can hold his own among models. This handsome bilingual stranger is starring at me from across the room. I sometimes think this is the start to a daydream I've made up in my head because it's a bit surreal that it's happened to me. I don't consider myself particularly beautiful, I mean maybe it's just my insecurities talking, I am attractive but even I thought this guy was out of my league. I'm forgetting to mention a few things here, like I have a boyfriend so I will start from the beginning.

Note: I've changed names and nationalities to protect identities
My boyfriend is British, I'm not we're both in our early twenties and  we've been in a long distance relationship for a few years. Yes it's very difficult to do long distance for so long and it does put a strain on us but we've manged to make it work, there's never been any cheating, I trust him totally, he treats me great. That's the hardest thing about being infatuated with someone else. It would be easy if my boyfriend was a dick but he's not so there's no movie, girl choice is easy, in fact i'm not sure there's a choice here at all hence the question mark in title.

This was my first family holiday when I met Daniel (real guy's name oozes sexuality, let your imagination run wild). He was there when I arrived, on vacation by himself, he's single, he's a military pilot and none of his friends were available to travel at the time he had vacation. It was actually my mum who pointed out to me that he kept looking in my direction. I'm the type of girl who feels guilty for even finding another man attractive. He tried to make conversation, a little good morning here and there but his first language is Spanish and he didn't feel comfortable enough with his English (or my mum around) to approach me.

One night after the entertainment, I saw him there sitting by himself after hours of him trying to get my attention and checking me out, I walked over and said hi. He seemed overwhelmed, like he couldn't believe I came over to him and frankly I couldn't either, this was totally out of character for me. We sat near the pool and  talked, stumbled around Spanish and English into the early hours of the morning. He eventually said he had an early start tomorrow, kissed me on the cheek goodnight (twice) and we parted ways. I went to bed feeling electric. A tingle in my stomach, a smile on my face.

The next day was filled with activities, by evening I felt a bit ill (too much to drink) and decided to stay at the hotel while the others went out. I slept a while then a sat out by the pool again. I saw him zoom past me, he went to his room but quickly came out again, kissed my cheek hello and pulled up a seat near me. He seemed so comfortable like we had known each other ages. He was noticeably more tanned than the night before, apparently he had spent all day on a catamaran. At one point he told me to hold on while he responded to messages on his phone. There was a awkward silence and frankly I felt a sting of rejection but he then put it away and gave me his full attention.

I didn't know how to feel about him at this point, was last night just alcohol talking? I crawled back into my insecurities. We talked all that afternoon about trivial things, favorite type of music, the normal stuff. Then he invited me to a beach party, I didn't even hesitate. I had heard the hotel mention it before and I thought more guests would be there, turned out it was just us and the locals. I was the only English speaker there....(to be continued)